---
date: "2020-01-26T20:41:55.827Z"
title: "How Gender Dysphoria Manifests: Sexual Dysphoria"
description: "Sometimes a Cigar doesn't want to be smoked."
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# Sexual Dysphoria

Closely related to Societal Dysphoria is dysphoria centered around sexuality, sexual relationships, and the act of having sex. [Heteronormative](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heteronormativity) gender roles come loaded with the expectation that [AMABs will top and AFABs will bottom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Top,_bottom_and_versatile). These dynamics get reinforced by our popular media, by toxic masculinity, and especially by our pornography, even in *transgender* pornography (the bulk of trans/cis pornography involves the trans woman topping, when in reality a majority of trans women are submissive). Deviations from these roles often result in shame, both from partners and from peers.

Of course, this is not an absolute, by any means, and many heterosexual cis couples do find ways out of these molds, finding a new dynamic in their relationship, or engaging in kinks to satisfy desires. Some couples find they aren't sexually compatible at all and seek other partners. However, there are many many external pressures discouraging this kind of self-awareness and discovery, and breaking away from those demands can be extremely difficult, even traumatic. This is particularly true when there is a background of conservatism or religious virtuism.

Cisgender gay relationships shirk this by virtue of necessity, opening the doors for individuals to explore what role leaves them more fulfilled. Some gay couples have an established dominant/submissive dynamic, and they enter into the relationship with that already understood. Others resolve it by switching up which partner is dominant. Yet, gay relationships can still get caught up in these kinds of expectations in regards to [butch/femme](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butch_and_femme), [bear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_(gay_culture)), and [twink](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twink_(gay_slang)) dynamics.

What does all this mean? Trans people who enter into perceptually heterosexual relationships pre-transition sometimes find themselves losing interest in sexual intercourse, as penetrative acts do not produce the fulfillment that they would expect. In extreme cases it can feel completely wrong and trigger panic. The sensations may feel pleasurable, but the experience is out of place, and the act itself feels forced.

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This can lead to one feeling less enthusiastic or even disinterested in sex, as half of what makes up sex drive is the mental context of the situation. Many trans people never even experience sex until adulthood, functionally operating as asexual due to how severely their dysphoria has shutdown all sex drive. They may still perform for the sake of their partners, but not get as much enjoyment as they could, and even end up disconnecting from reality around them in order to accomplish the task.

This dysphoria may be so significant that they find themselves taking a sexual identity that they don't actually connect with. It is not unheard of for a trans person to realize after coming out that they never actually felt a connection to the sexual orientation that they had identified with previously, but were rather using it as a way to feel less dysphoric in their sex lives.

Some trans women, for example, identified as gay men pre-transition out of a desire to have a partner that treats them like women during sex, but find themselves to actually be lesbians once that demand is lifted. Others may attempt to live as gay men, but find that the role doesn't fulfill them because they know their partners see them as men.
