gdb.lgbtqi.app/public/tw/sexual-dysphoria.md

---
date: "2020-01-26T20:41:55.827Z"
lang: "tw"
title: "性別不安的體現：性慾不安"
linkTitle: "性慾不安"
description: "有的時候，雪茄並不想被抽。"
preBody: '_disclaimer'
siblings:
  prev: /tw/societal-dysphoria
  prevCaption: 社會不安
  next: /tw/presentational-dysphoria
  nextCaption: 表現不安
classes:
  - gdb
tweets:
  - '1137399651458519040'

---

# 性慾不安

<!-- Closely related to societal dysphoria is dysphoria centered around sexuality, sexual relationships, and the act of having sex. [Heteronormative](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heteronormativity) gender roles come loaded with the expectation that [AMABs will top and AFABs will bottom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Top,_bottom_and_versatile). These dynamics get reinforced by our popular media, by toxic masculinity, and especially by our pornography, even in *transgender* pornography (the bulk of trans/cis pornography involves the trans woman topping). Deviations from these roles often result in shame, both from partners and from peers. -->

與社會不安密切相關的是圍繞性慾、性關係和性行為的不安。[異性戀霸權](https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E5%BC%82%E6%80%A7%E6%81%8B%E6%9C%AC%E4%BD%8D)的性別角色預設了[出生指定男性(AMABs)扮演上位(top)，而出生指定女性(AFABs)會扮演下位(bottom)](https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E6%94%BB%E5%8F%97)。這些動態關係被我們的大眾媒體、有害的男子氣概，尤其色情作品所強化，即使在 *跨性別* 色情片中也是如此（大多數跨性別/順性別色情片都涉及跨性別女性扮演上位）。偏離這些角色通常會導致羞愧感，無論是來自伴侶還是同儕。

<!-- Of course, this is not an absolute by any means, and many heterosexual cis couples do find ways out of these molds, finding a new dynamic in their relationship, or engaging in kinks to satisfy desires. Some couples find they aren't sexually compatible at all and seek other partners. However, there are many, many external pressures discouraging this kind of self-awareness and discovery, and breaking away from those demands can be extremely difficult — even traumatic. This is particularly true when there is a background of conservatism or religious virtuism. -->

當然，這絕非絕對，許多異性戀順性別伴侶確實找到了擺脫這些模式的方法，在他們的關係中找到新的動態，或透過禁羈(kink)來滿足慾望。有些伴侶發現他們在性方面根本不相容，於是另尋伴侶。然而，有許多、許多外在壓力阻礙了這種自我覺察和探索，擺脫這些要求可能極其困難，甚至是創傷性的。在保守主義或宗教禁慾主義的背景下尤其如此。

<!-- Cisgender gay relationships shirk this by virtue of necessity, opening the doors for individuals to explore what role leaves them more fulfilled. Some gay couples have an established dominant/submissive dynamic, and they enter into the relationship with that already understood. Others resolve it by switching up which partner is dominant. Yet, gay relationships can still get caught up in these kinds of expectations in regards to [butch/femme](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butch_and_femme), [bear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_(gay_culture)), and [twink](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twink_(gay_slang)) dynamics. -->

順性別同志關係由於必要性而避開了這一點，為個人探索哪個角色能讓他們更滿足開闢了道路。一些同志伴侶有既定的支配(dominant)/臣服(submissive)動態，他們在建立關係時就已經理解了這一點。另一些人則透過交換支配伴侶的角色來解決這個問題。然而，同志關係仍然會在[T/P](https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E9%A0%82%E5%BA%95)、[熊族](https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E7%86%8A%E6%97%8F)和[Twink](https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twink_(%E7%94%B7%E5%90%8C%E6%80%A7%E6%81%8B%E4%BF%9A%E8%AF%AD))的動態關係中被這些期望所困擾。

<!-- What does all this mean? Trans people who enter into perceptually heterosexual relationships pre-transition sometimes find themselves losing interest in sexual intercourse, as penetrative acts do not produce the fulfillment that they would expect. In extreme cases it can feel completely wrong and trigger panic. The sensations may feel pleasurable, but the experience is out of place, and the act itself feels forced. -->

這一切意味著什麼？在轉變前進入表面異性戀關係的跨性別者有時會發現他們對性交失去興趣，因為插入式性行為並未產生他們預期的滿足感。在極端情況下，它會讓人感到完全錯誤並引發恐慌。這些感覺可能令人愉悅，但體驗卻格格不入，而且性行為本身感覺很勉強。

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<!-- This can lead to one feeling less enthusiastic or even disinterested in sex, as half of what makes up sex drive is the mental context of the situation. Many trans people never even experience sex until adulthood, functionally operating as sex-averse due to how severely their dysphoria has shut down all sex drive. They may still perform for the sake of their partners, but not get as much enjoyment as they could, and even end up disconnecting from reality around them in order to accomplish the task. -->

這可能導致一個人對性行為缺乏熱情，甚至失去興趣，因為性衝動的構成有一半來自於情境的心理脈絡。許多跨性別者甚至直到成年後才經歷性行為，功能上如同性冷感，因為他們的不安嚴重地抑制了所有的性衝動。他們可能仍然為了伴侶而進行性行為，但卻無法獲得應有的享受，甚至最終為了完成這項任務而與周圍的現實斷線。

<!-- This dysphoria may be so significant that they find themselves taking a sexual identity that they don't actually connect with. It is not unheard of for a trans person to realize after coming out that they never actually felt a connection to the sexual orientation that they had identified with previously, but were instead using it as a way to feel less dysphoric in their sex lives. -->

這種性別不安可能非常嚴重，以至於他們發現自己採取了實際上並不認同的性傾向認同。跨性別者在出櫃後才意識到他們從未真正與先前認同的性傾向產生連結，而是將其作為一種在性生活中減少不安感的方式，這種情況並不少見。

<!-- Some trans women, for example, identified as gay men pre-transition out of a desire to have a partner that treats them like women during sex, but find themselves to actually be lesbians once that demand is lifted. Others may attempt to live as gay men, but find that the role doesn't fulfill them because they know their partners see them as men. -->

例如，一些跨性別女性在轉變前認同為男同志，是因為渴望擁有一個在性愛中像對待女性一樣對待她們的伴侶，但在這種需求解除後，她們發現自己實際上是女同志。其他人可能試圖以男同志的身分生活，但發現這個角色並不能滿足他們，因為他們知道他們的伴侶將他們視為男性。

<!-- # The Coercive Male Gaze -->

# 強迫性的男性凝視


<!-- æææ<div class="cw"><p><strong>Author's Note</strong>: This specific type of sexual dysphoria is difficult to explain in generalist terms, so I am going to take a departure here and write about this from my own personal experience. The following is presented from my perspective as a binary trans woman. As such, this may not be completely relatable to all trans people. My apologies.</p></div>æææ -->


æææ<div class="cw"><p><strong>作者註：</strong>這種類型的性慾不安難以用通俗的語言來解釋，所以我將在此偏離主題，並根據我個人的經驗來撰寫。以下內容是從我作為一名二元跨性別女性的角度提出的。因此，這可能並非所有跨性別者都能完全理解。在此致歉。</p></div>æææ


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}!}

<!-- There is a saying that is very well known in sapphic circles: "Do I want to be her, or be with her?" -->

在女同圈裡有一句很有名的話：「我是想成為她，還是想和她在一起？」

<!-- It can be hard to tell the difference between sexual attraction and envy, especially when you're a closeted trans teenager. Our entire society is built upon heterosexuality; it is simply the cultural default, to the point that even prepubescent children are barraged with messages about male to female attraction. Consequently, interest in aspects of the lives of the "opposite" sex is almost always immediately perceived as being sexual attraction. -->

要區分性吸引力和羨慕是很困難的，尤其當你是一個尚未出櫃的跨性別青少年時。我們的整個社會都建立在異性戀的基礎上；它簡直就是預設的文化，甚至連青春期前的孩子都被充斥著關於男性對女性吸引力的訊息。因此，對「異性」生活方面的興趣幾乎總是立即被視為性吸引力。

<!-- What is the result of this? Usually... shame. Trans children often internalize their view of their peers based on their true gender, and one does not objectify their equals. Thus the child is motivated to hide those interests out of a desire to not be seen engaging in that kind of sexual objectification. This is even further compounded if the child has been raised in a setting with very strict moral codes, such as in a conservative religious upbringing. -->

這會導致什麼結果？通常是……羞恥。跨性別兒童通常會根據他們真實的性別來內化他們對同儕的看法，而一個人不會物化與他們平等的人。因此，孩子會因為不想被看到參與這種性物化而隱藏這些興趣。如果孩子在道德規範非常嚴格的環境中長大，例如在保守的宗教教育中，這種情況會更加複雜。

<!-- Growing up as a closeted trans teen in an evangelical Christian household, I knew that if I was ever caught looking at women in what was seen as a sexual manner, I would be punished. I knew if I was ever found handling women's apparel, there would be a lot of very awkward questions which I was not prepared to answer. This posed a very serious problem for me, as someone with a strong fascination with women's apparel, particularly lingerie. -->

在一個福音派基督教家庭中，作为一个未出櫃的跨性別青少年長大，我知道如果我被發現以被視為性意味的方式看著女性，我會受到懲罰。我知道如果我被發現擺弄女性服裝，就會有很多我沒有準備好回答的非常尷尬的問題。這對我來說是一個非常嚴重的問題，因為我對女性服裝，尤其是內衣有著強烈的迷戀。

<!-- There is [a Simpsons clip where Moe Szyslak is put on a lie detector test](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQGwrK_yDEg), and by the end of the test he has confessed that he will be spending the night ogling the women in the intimates section of the Sears catalog. The entire crux of the scene, and the source of the comedy, is the shame that is cast on Moe for engaging in this desperate act of objectification. I grew up knowing that this is how I would be perceived for my interest in women's clothing. -->

[辛普森家庭中有一段莫少蔥接受測謊的片段](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQGwrK_yDEg)，在測試結束時，他承認他會整晚盯著西爾斯目錄中內衣區的女性。整個場景的關鍵，以及喜劇的來源，是莫伊因為沉迷於這種絕望的物化行為而蒙受的羞恥。我從小就知道，這就是我對女性服裝的興趣會被如何看待。

<!-- Out of shame and fear, I did everything I could to hide this passion, because I simply could not bear for someone to view me like the teenage boys who masturbate to any material they get their hands on. What made this fear even worse was that I *also believed* that my interest was sexual. -->

出於羞恥和恐懼，我盡我所能地隱藏這種熱情，因為我實在無法忍受別人把我視為那些對任何拿到手的材料都手淫的青少年男孩。讓我更害怕的是， *我也相信* 我的興趣是性的。

<!-- When you see the world through a duck shaped lens, everything looks vaguely like a duck. The only framework I had been given to understand my interest in women was through sexual desire, and thus every feminine interest I had became warped into a sexual desire. My wish to be a bride morphed into a bridal kink, my desire to have a child warped into an interest in pregnancy porn, and my own need to be a girl was redirected into a transformation fetish. -->

當你透過鴨子形狀的鏡片看世界時，一切看起來都隱約像鴨子。我被賦予的理解我對女性興趣的唯一框架是透過性慾，因此我所有的女性化興趣都變成了性慾。我希望成為新娘的願望變成了新娘癖好(bridal kink)，我希望擁有孩子的願望變成了對懷孕色情片的興趣，而我自己想成為女孩的需求則被轉化成了變身戀物癖。

<!-- But on top of all of this, I was *terrified* to be seen expressing legitimate sexual interest in other women. I had male friends who were notorious rubberneckers and slack-jawed gawkers; one of my former employers had an awful habit of leering at attractive women when we were out to lunch, which made me very uncomfortable to be seen with him. -->

但在這一切之上，我 *害怕* 被看到表達對其他女性的合法性興趣。我有一些男性朋友是臭名昭著的會轉頭看或是看到嘴巴關不起來的人；我以前的一個老闆有一個可怕的習慣，當我們出去吃午飯時，他會色瞇瞇地盯著有吸引力的女性，這讓我覺得和他一起出現很不舒服。

<!-- I could not stand to be associated with that male gaze. Even around the most beautiful women, I would avoid even looking at them, because I did not want to be seen as the kind of person that stares at women. I did not want to be seen as a predator. -->

我無法忍受與那種男性凝視聯繫在一起。即使在最美麗的女性身邊，我也會避免看著她們，因為我不想被視為那種盯著女性看的人。我不想被視為掠食者。

<!-- This is the coercive male gaze: [compulsory heterosexuality](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsory_heterosexuality) placed upon closeted trans women due to heteronormative ideologies — a cognitive dissonance that causes intense guilt and shame surrounding appreciation of one's peers and gendered interests. -->

這就是強迫性的男性凝視：由於異性戀霸權的意識形態，加諸於尚未出櫃的跨性別女性身上的[強制性異性戀](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsory_heterosexuality)，一種認知失調，導致對同性欣賞和性別興趣產生強烈的罪惡感和羞恥感。

<!-- Once you remove this male framework – once one is able to perceive themselves as female and accept these interests and observations as valid – that shame and guilt completely evaporates. Even when the interest is sapphic in nature and genuinely includes sexual desire, it is no longer tainted with this layer of objectification. I am able to appreciate the femininity and the beauty of my female peers without judgment, and I can compliment them without fearing being perceived as a creep or having my intentions misinterpreted. -->

一旦你移除這個男性框架——一旦一個人能夠將自己視為女性，並接受這些興趣和觀察是合理的——那種羞恥感和罪惡感就會完全消失。即使這種興趣是女同性戀性質的，並且真正包含性慾望，它也不再被這層物化所玷污。我能夠毫無批判地欣賞女性同儕的女性氣質和美麗，我可以讚美她們，而不必擔心被視為怪人或我的意圖被誤解。

<!-- It was a dysphoria I could not possibly have put into words until after it had finally been relieved. I was even more relieved as I began to integrate into queer women's spaces and came to realize that _women are exactly as thirsty as men are_; we're just (usually) much more respectful about it. It was a release of guilt that I didn't even know I was carrying. -->

這是一種不安，直到它最終得到緩解後，我才有可能用語言表達出來。當我開始融入酷兒女性的空間，並意識到 *女性和男性一樣渴望* 時，我更加釋然了；我們只是（通常）更尊重這一點。這是一種我甚至不知道自己背負的罪惡感的釋放。